Remember when seeing your parents kiss grossed you out? Let alone the notion that they ever ‘did it’. If you had 3 kids in your family, you might have comforted yourself by saying, ‘maybe they only did it 3 times’.
My thinking came a long way since those days. Especially when I witnessed my father find the love of his life at age 68. When he asked his ‘girlfriend’ to ditch the 2 recliners in the den and replace them with a love seat, I knew they must be ‘doing it’, but at 30 something, I wasn’t grossed out over it. As long as I didn’t visualize anything, I was thrilled that he was happy. Now WE are the seniors and sex, well, sex is still important – WHO KNEW?
Sex and the Senior – Moving Beyond the Obstacles
Despite the double entendre of this article name, this topic covers the highs and lows of having a new sex partner as a senior. I’ll cover how to start a new relationship and stimulate existing ones in future articles. Nowadays, the conversation about sex seems to come first.
As a committed listener to many seniors, I get the privilege of helping them through many levels of sex and dating. As adults, sometimes men and women, just need a safe place to discuss private issues.
The truth is, when you are younger, things are much less complicated when it comes to sex. You really don’t think about it. You just do it!
After 40 or 50 years of doing things a certain way, bringing in a new partner can be quite intimidating. The good news is that sex over 50 and even way up to your 90’s is very common and can be quite fun. Provided you have a stimulating and willing partner.
My observation of seniors and dating began when I was asked to attend and evaluate a dating for senior women’s workshop one weekend. This is where I got to witness some of the obstacles and challenges.
Combined with issues from some of my private sessions, these are some of the situations
- One had lost the love of her life and felt she’d be betraying him
- One said she would date but didn’t want to have sex
- One had an abusive marriage and needed someone who would understand her situation and be gentle and patient
- One gave too much and wanted to be contributed to for once.
- One decided after marriage, several children and grandchildren, that she was a lesbian
- One couldn’t wait to get out there and bed every man she met
Men have their own set of conversations that hold them back
- Even though there are so many solutions these days, men still live with performance issues
- Some men haven’t dated and have little or no confidence to ask a woman out
- Not exclusive to men, but some are not looking for a relationship, they just want to have sex
- Some have had long term conventional relationships and now want to explore their sexual options
The fact is, many of these issues exist at any age. However, they seem to carry more weight as we get set in our ways.
There are also commonalities when it comes to concerns when having sex with a new partner, such as:
- Many are concerned about their Sagging body or body image
- Sexual compatibility – ranging from conventional to daring
- Frequency – Are you looking for a weekend warrior, travel or date night partner, booty call?
- Are you looking for exclusivity or an open relationship?
- Do either of you have a sexually transmitted disease?
- Will you use protection?
- Age preference– Let’s face it, not all seniors want to date seniors
This may seem like a lot to deal with – but don’t worry, there are reasons that having sex in your senior years can be AMAZING!
- You’re probably better at it then when you were younger
- You probably have fewer inhibitions
- You don’t have to worry about getting pregnant (for the most part)
- There is no right or wrong – 2 adults making a mutual decision to have a good time
- If you choose well, you may be in for the ‘ride’ of your life
- And for most of you who think you ‘lost’ your desire for sex, try finding someone who rocks your world, you may be pleasantly surprised at how dormant feelings can resurface!
Once you know the differences that you might bump up against, you’ll be better prepared to decide who and what you will accept into your sex life. Once you are clear, then all that’s left to do is have fun!
Getting clear and moving beyond the awkwardness –
- Decide whether you just want to have sex or if you want a sexual partner. (very different experiences)
- The idea is to find a compatible partner or take time to process the differences and similarities to see if you are willing to make it work.
- Communication is Key – unlike being 20, you probably have better communication skills. Talk
- Relax and enjoy this process. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.
- This isn’t a job interview that you have to get right, it’s playtime!
- Consider that it’s ok to fail at this and try, try again!
Remember, this is the time of your life when your youthfulness and your wisdom meet – Enjoy!
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About the Author-
Fran Asaro is an active senior and never-going-to-retire entrepreneur who consults virtually as she motivates and inspires other seniors. She offers laptop lifestyle opportunities to seniors interested in earning supplemental income with age appropriateness. Her philosophy is Work like you WANT to, not like you HAVE to.
Find out more about what Fran does at Thrive Any Way
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Aletha McManama says
Hi, Fran! Great to see you on the UBC group! I was intrigued by this article so I stopped by to read it. As I’ve reached my 50s, it is important to communicate to an older partner about sex. I appreciate you going in more detail about it and will keep your tips in mind when I need help!
Hello there Aletha, thank you for checking in. This is my 2nd UBC and it came at the perfect time when I switched gears a bit as * focus on helping retirees have laptop lifestyles. I’m having fun and I’m in my ‘senior’ element as move at a very comfortable and fun pace. I am glad you found value in my article. I plan to create more about relationships and communication. They are a big thing for me to help others with. see you in the group! ~ Fran
Does it count when we don’t feel like seniors? LOL Hubby is 73 and I’m 70, been married goin on 52 years and we’re still on our honeymoon!
Martha, You hit the nail on the head for my very next blog. I realize that as I write for seniors and retirees, none of them think of themselves as such. LOL There must be another term I can use. Any suggestions? Maybe YOU should be writing about how to keep things alive after 70 no? Congratulations on your 52 years and here’s to many more! ~ enthusiastically, Fran
Bonnie Anderson says
This is an interesting blog and I’ll check back on it later. Having been married for 43 years, As you suggested, I think later topics will be of more interest.
Hi Bonnie, thanks so much for checking in. I actually tried to include existing couples in this article but it got way too long. I thought couples deserved their own place anyway, don’t you think? So look for it soon, although I may space it out a bit. I hope you are enjoying the UBC. ~ enthusiastically, Fran
Livvie Matthews says
Fran, you bring some very interesting elements into this topic. I like that you addressed some differences women and men may face, but you also addressed some commonalities. Thanks for bringing the subject up and adding some light to it!
Thanks Livvie, I appreciate your input for sure. I really want to open the door for delicious communication, great relationships and fulfilling lives after retirement. Unlike you my dear friend, I think too many people take life too seriously as they age. I hope that never happens to you and I. – hugs, fran
Jeanine Byers says
Appreciate the cuteness of your title! And your post is packed with great information. I could understand how all of those could make sense for seniors getting back into the dating game or starting new relationships.
Hi Jeanine, thank you for commenting. I want to bring humor and unique conversations about seniors to this blog. Topics not typically discussed or possibly taken too seriously. I hope to see you back here again!
~ Enthusiastically, Fran